If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
