I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
