i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
