i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
