we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
