On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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