I am puke
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
