people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize