My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
