new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
