There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
