Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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