Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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