this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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