drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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