Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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