i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
