either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
