This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize