I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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