So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I need water and some morals
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
