Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
