you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
