Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think your dad took our porno
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
