Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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