he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
