Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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