What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
