I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
