I wish I only lived at night.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
