never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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