when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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