someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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