Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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