I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
