I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
