using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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