I accidentally burped into my bong.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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