My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize