I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
