I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
