Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
