My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
