oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
