Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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