Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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