If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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