the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
