I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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