Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
