That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
