Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
