there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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