I got chris browned last night
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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