This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
