Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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